Mr. Bubbly and I have completed our Downton Abbey real estate transaction (see prior post from February) and are now preparing to move from our current home into the new one next month! Or should I say, in real estate speak, from our “cozy, light-filled condo” into a “spacious, open plan 3 br, 3 bthrm in a desirable neighbourhood”? At least we are going from an “up and coming one”!
I love reading property descriptions, even when I’m not looking for real estate. Clichés abound and I have can empathize with that. If you write a lot of ad or marketing copy for a living, it’s really hard to avoid them, especially when you are on a deadline and you are looking for a shorthand way to get your point across. I’m highly guilty of it myself.

Our realtor, who was fabulous by the way, certainly was not guilty of this but it would appear that every single other property in my city comes complete with:
- An entertainer’s kitchen. Does this mean it has a miked stage or just more space for blenders and wine glasses? Either way, I'm intimidated.
- A deck or patio for “those summer BBQ’s”
- And, naturally, those pesky granite countertops and cozy gas fireplaces. If we ever run out of granite in the future, we will know with whom the blame lies.
If the property descriptions are anything to go by, as a general populace we are one mad, crazy group of socializers, constantly inviting people over for impromptu dinner parties, grilling hunks of meat on the BBQ and whipping up margheritas in our chef-inspired kitchens. (When was the last time you actually did that? Thought so.)
There are some real estate ads that try to aim a little higher…one of my local favourites just loves to paint an evocative picture of the leafy streets of privilege that she sells property on. These are not grand estates, just your average two bedroom condos in a nice area. I like to imagine her sitting down to her lady’s desk or escroiture, sipping cambric tea and putting pen to paper. Literally that is. (I picture a fountain pen, not an iMac). I suspect that she could be rather overwhelming in person. Lots of scarves and things. To whit…
“Glorious park vistas and heavenly winter and summer sunsets!”
(No mention of how much it rains here. 12 months of the year.)
“Magnificent tree-lined avenue”
“Greenery, pink trees and an English Country Garden aura”
Mansfield Park and Brideshead, here we come.
“Glorious light-filled windows with a lovely balcony gazing to
the Gardens and private green space"
(Not sure that a window can actually gaze at something but never mind, she had me at ‘glorious’. And 'the Gardens’ sounds very grand indeed.)
“The complex is artfully sculpted into its environment.”
(Okay, she’s piqued my curiosity here. I’m picturing lots of topiary and
no ability to find the front door.)
And my favourite..
“XYZ complex resides at the university’s resplendent seat of higher learning.”
(Wow. We’re not talking Oxford or Cambridge here, although you
could be forgiven for thinking so.)
Our purple prose lady would not be caught dead putting these following examples in her ads, all of which I have seen in the past two months:
How not lead off your ad…
RAILING MISSING ON 2ND FLOOR, EXERCISE CAUTION
For readers who don’t understand how all of this works…
NO DOOR KNOCKING OR CALLING THE SELLER PLEASE
Never rely on Spell Check, our untrustworthy friend…
LOTS OF CROWN MOLD
(or ‘mould’ if you are British…)
PROPERTY ALSO HAS LAME ACCESS
(So I guess I won’t be having guests over for those summer BBQ’s)
I’m sold:
A STUNNING HOUSE WITH NO SCRATCHES
And just heartbreaking…
A MUST SEE IN THIS PRICE RANGE, OFFERING VALUE AND A CUL-DE-SAC WITH A PARK FOR YOUR KIDS TO PLAY IN AND MAKE SOME FRIENDS.